My Inappropriate Angel...Rest in Peace, My Love

My Darling Husband passed away on Thursday evening, December 27, 2012.  Many of you are familiar with Mr. Smith (aka Chilly, Smitty, and other assorted monikers) as I have shared our journey over the last three years.  He fought a very long and courageous battle with multiple organ failures and a diagnosis of a very rare, deadly disease called Amyloidosis.  He passed away peacefully in his sleep from a fatal heart arrhythmia. 

Even though we knew that this would eventually happen, we were completely shocked that it occured this way.  He was hospitalized the day after Christmas for internal bleeding and pneumonia.  By Thursday morning, they felt they had stabilized him and with antibiotics and additional dialysis, he would be ready to go home on Friday morning.  I spent all day Thursday with him and at 4 pm went home to check on our very sick daughter.  Before I left, I hugged and kissed him...said "I love you"...he said "love you" back and curled up for a nap.  On the way out the door, I told him to behave himself while I was gone and blew him another kiss. 

I called the hospital at 6:30 pm to check on him.  He was having a little bit of a coughing episode, but not unexpected since he had pneumonia.  He told me to just get some rest at home and hang with our girl.  He wanted me to return to the hospital in the morning to take him home after his dialysis treatment.  You can imagine my complete shock when the doctor called at 8:15 pm to tell me that I needed to return to the hospital immediately as William had experienced a "heart event" and they were doing chest compressions that were not successful.  I felt like my own heart had been completely torn from my body. 

My best friend, Kristin and my sister took me to the hospital where upon my arrival I was told that William had died.  I already knew this because when we drove up to the hospital, his light was off in his room.  He never had the light off in his room...ever.  The doctors were exceptionally compassionate and treated me with tender care.  They escorted me to say my goodbyes.  I was still just completely in shock because I had just left him in such good spirits.

Telling my children was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  I cannot even find words to express the deep grief that we are feeling.  It is just deeply painful.

My sweet Catherine, who is almost 10, finally curled up in my lap later for some cuddles.  She looked at me and said, "Daddy is an Angel now, right?"  I nodded.  "Yes, my sweet...he is an Angel."  She giggled and said, "He's a comedian Angel"....I laughed and agreed that, yes, I was sure he was making all of Heaven laugh.  And then she said in a low voice, "He's an inappropriate comedian Angel."  Hilarious!  There's my darling girl...always trying to find the silver lining even in the darkest of clouds.  She had heard me admonish her father on many occassions about jokes that were "inappropriate" for tiny ears.  So now, Chilly...you are our Inappropriate Angel...another unique moniker to add to your list of others.  Leave it to our beautiful child to come up with that clever name:)

The irony in all of this is that on Dec.7 & 8, William suffered two massive coronaries that nearly killed him.  He pulled through those and it really appeared that he was on the mend.  He was home in time for Christmas.  Christmas was the last day and night that he spent with us at home. 

I am grateful that William is no longer suffering in the body that had become a prison to him.  He is finally free to go home to his beautiful liquid sunrise. 

Good~bye, my courageous, bad-ass husband...I will love you more...always....