Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Old Moms Open a Can of Whoop A** at the Park


Hi...I know you may be a bit frightened by the title of this post.  Not to worry!  While I can put my "bad-a$$" panties on for certain occasions, most of the time I'm a pretty docile creature:)  However, there is a skeleton in my closet that a friend of mine reminded me about recently and insisted that I share it with the world...more specifically, the old moms of the world.   Now when I say old, I mean old like me...(I was turning 43 at the time)...not elderly...although since hitting my 40's, I feel elderly when I get up in the morning, but that's another post!  It happened a few years back when I ran into a close friend who had recently turned 39.  Looking back, it is actually pretty funny!  So let's get cozy and ready for my ramble...or maybe I should say rumble (wink!)

My friend and I took our kids out to a local park one fine fall day. We were dressed in typical "old" mom attire...jeans, cute t-shirts, banana clips and shades. (Yes, I wear my Marcia Brady stick straight hair in a banana clip on outings to the park. I don't enjoy eating my hair every time I open my mouth to speak when the wind blows, so banana clip it is.)

There was a "young" mom (mid 20's) with her kids that found her way over to us. She sat down and began to chat. There was another group of moms across the way at some picnic tables setting up for a party. My friend and I knew the other group of moms and had said our hellos upon arriving at the park. Young Mom was not familiar with them. Young Mom pipes up in her squeaky Valley Girl voice, "Don'cha just hate to see old moms with really young kids? I mean, like, do they think kids are the new fountain of youth or something? Look at those ladies over there! I mean, all the kids here are under 5! Unless maybe it's Grandparent's Day!" She laughs hysterically.  Now, I happen to know that every one of those mothers over there is at least 10 years younger than me. Yes, Young Mom was fooled by my fabulous genes. I win the age game at every carnival or amusement park we go to. My husband loved to outwit the carnies whenever possible. The funny thing is that Smitty was 3 years younger than me (go ahead...call me a cougar or a cradle robber, take your pick), but once a waitress asked him if he had his Senior Citizen discount card! LOL!

Young Mom continues her old mom bashing. "Why would any kid want an old wrinkled hag for a mom? Old moms are so annoying with their know-it-all attitudes and their really bad fashion." (Wow...obviously, she can't hear my brain exploding or at least smell the smoke from the fire of my brain exploding over here..bad fashion?? Seriously?  I worked really hard to pull out just the right t-shirt to hide all food stains that I might incur while I was gracing the public with my presence.  Bad fashion...humpf!)

I am not a happy camper. I am silently observing Young Mom trying to determine my next move. Do I want to let her in on my little secret or do I just want to see how far she'll go before I go ninja on her perfectly coiffed little head in the parking lot. (oops...did I type that out loud?) (and yeah, she was NOT wearing a banana clip...now who's got bad fashion?  Yep, Young Mom, that's who...)

My friend, who knows what lengths I will go to in order to protect the innocent, is watching me carefully. She pipes up, "How about we get the kids and hit the walk trail?" She raises her eyebrows at me. I nod and gather up the wee girl and the stroller.  Young Mom says, "That sounds good! That's a good energy boost! At least we don't have to figure out how to push a stroller while shuffling along with our walker too! Snorty snort snort!"

Now. It's. On. I can no longer hide the fact that I'm wearing my bad-a$$ panties today.  "Why do you have such a negative attitude about older mothers?" I ask gritting my teeth into a very fake smile. She smirks, "They're just irritating. They always have their stupid first aid kits in a baggy, juice boxes strapped to their hips. I just think they over do it." Steam is pouring out of my ears. The juice boxes on my hips are beginning to vibrate. She's about to find out how lucky she is that I happen to have my first aid kit in a baggy handy because I'll be using it to mop up her blood about 30 seconds after I sock her in the mouth!

My adorable and very peace loving friend goes to gather up the young'uns. She's been at this rodeo before and knows the bull is on the loose. Young Mom laughs and points at one of my "old" mom friends as she is struggling with some of the party decor. "See what I mean?"  She continues to laugh and point.  I whirl around to unleash my fury when Young Mom in her fit of laughter trips, falls and busts her lip on the sidewalk. She starts bawling like a big old baby. She touches her lip and finds it's very bloody. "My foof is foose!" she cries. "Oh frap! My foof is fawing out!" What a pitiful creature she is, that Young Mom. "Here, let me help you." I reach down and yank her to her feet. "Ouf!" she huffs. "Fat huwt!" Her lips are the size of Cincinnati. I really want to crack a collagen joke at this point, but bite my own lips instead.

I reach into my bag and whip out some handi wipes. (ok..I know these are going to burn her lips like fire, but it's all I have and Karma is a b*tch!) I help her dab the loose pebbles and blood away from her mouth. My friend jogs over with an unopened bottle of water to help wash away the rest. We get her patched up and feeling better. She realizes something is weird. I notice her checking out my First Aid in a Baggy. She humbly thanks us and goes to gather her kiddos. My friend asks me if I shared my secret with her. I shook my head. "I didn't have a chance because she did a face plant before I could say anything." We laughed. "Those crazy young moms!" my friend giggles. We notice that Young Mom is heading back from the parking lot toward us. Oh yuck...

"Just wanted to say thanks for helping me. That was so embarrassing!" She flutters her hands all around. We just smile at her and move on. One of my other friends from the party yells over to me, "Happy Birthday, Dawn!" I smile and wave. Young Mom says, "Oh, it's your birthday?" I nod. "It's actually next week." We continue shuffling the kids toward the car. "That's so cool! How old are you going to be?" she says with her big busted lip smile. I stop and turn toward her. "I will be 43." The look on her face was all the justice I needed. She just turned and walked away with her head down. "That's right! I'm an OLD MOM!!!!" I yelled after her. "Bet you're glad this old mom had her first aid in a baggy, aren't ya!" (Juvenile, I completely agree, not even remotely one of my best parenting moments, but darn it, it sure did feel good!) My friend (who is normally very shy and not verbally aggressive on any level) yells out, "Yeah, old moms kick butt! Don't you ever forget it!" We high-fived and laughed like hyenas all the way to our mini-vans.  Last we heard, Young Mom was still struggling to get her stroller into her BMW.

A final note...I have lots of friends that are young moms! Lots of them! They are all fantastic mothers and friends! Please know that I am not bashing young moms with this post. Just sharing a story about a young mom bashing old moms! I love all my young mom friends!!!!


Thanks for listening to my ramble and remember, Old Moms need love too!



54 comments:

Lana said...

Love. It. I don't think your reaction was immature. I think it was justice! She totally had it coming. You couldn't have asked for a better outcome. I was 22 when I had my son, and 26 when I had my daughter, so I guess that makes me a "young mom". It's brats like that who give "young moms" a bad rap. (No need to worry. I don't think your post was bashing anyone but that cow.) I bet she didn't/doesn't run her mouth off like that anymore!

TuTu's Bliss said...

You're a guest of honor at the "Award Buffet" please blog on over and dig in!!

The Blonde Duck said...

I can't believe she said those things. SO tacky. I hope she learned a lesson. I doubt it, she's probably too dumb, but I hope she did.

Yaya said...

What an idiot she was!!! Insert foot into mouth.

Did you have anything to do with the face plant?? Lol!

I had aspirations to be a "young mom"...but life didn't work out like that...looks like I will now be an "old mom" and you know what? I'm gonna appreciate my kids that much more because of it and be that much more grateful to have kids than I would have had I been that young mom.

annie kelleher said...

thats funny cause i always think its the Young Moms who are way overprepared. i used to keep a plastic bag of wipes in my purse and an extra diaper in the glove box. it seemed to be enough for just about every emergency i ever encountered.

Mrs4444 said...

Came over from Jen's blog post (today). From one old mom to another, this post was a treat!

Deb said...

you go, girl!

see, i thought the pendulum had swung the other way, and "old" moms were the norm! most of my friends are quite a bit older than me, and they totally rock. talk about a group of women that have their stuff together!

Noah's Mommy said...

lol...that is way to freaking funny....Karma is a Biotch.....omg...I am still laughing so hard...I'm crying....and if you're an old mom....and she's a young mom....does that mean I'm the mom going through a mid life crisis????

Randi Troxell said...

looove this post... happy friday!

Cammie said...

that story is awesome but I will still need you to put the banana clip in the garbage
xoxo
Cammie

Kristina P. said...

This is hilarious! Who says those things to strangers?

Tracy said...

I seriously had to go back and re-read to make sure you didn't slip in there that you tripped her on accident causing her to face plant and jack up her lips/teeth!!! hahahaaa!!!

((sigh)) You really are the bestest! I love reading your blog and hope that ONE day I will be able to bite my tongue like you! (I suffer from diarrhea mouth... I tend to insert foot and swallow until there aints no more!)

Shannon said...

Awesome!! Way to give it to her! LOL And yes, no more banana clip! :D

Jamie said...

Hahahaha, that is HILARIOUS! KARMA IS a b*itch isn't it. Hey, I carry a first aid kit too, hehe...better to be prepared!

Glad you love the magnet...what a fun giveway! More to come as always!! Have a great weekend!

Jamie :-)

Kate said...

That's awesome!! I was a "young Mom" for my oldest and I think I'd be concidered an "old Mom" for my youngest. I've come to believe that young OR old there are just too many "idiot Moms" out there.

You my love are definately "awesome Mom".

Beverly said...

She so deserved that and this old mom doesn't carry a first aid kit though I do totally understand the need for it, LOL!

pam said...

I love your magnet, and have a great weekend.

You are right, old moms need to stick together!!

aurora said...

That is the BEST story that this old mom has heard in a long time!
If you don't mind, I am going to post a link over here on my blog. This is just too tasty not to share :D
Love it!

blognut said...

I think you showed amazing self-conrol right there. That was a great story!

Tracy said...

Oh dear I'm so grateful to be out of the pukey stages!!! I was sicker than a dog my first trimester!!! I didn't realize how sick I was until it stopped! haha!! One day I was like hey, I haven't thrown up in awhile!

So glad I'm not the only momma(to be for me) that uses that word like it were water! haha!! I'm really hoping to break the habit. And I really am having a really really hard time not using it. I have the PERFECT sound thingy that says how wonderful of a word it is. If you want I can email it to you! It'll have you in total desperation for air as you will not be able to catch your breath from laughing.

Debra said...

OMG! Girl, you totally crack me up! Yep, karma is a biotch with a good case of PMS! I actually laughed out loud reading this. Thanks for putting a big 'ole smile on my face. From one old mom to another, you rock!

mama's smitten said...

Poor her! You crack me up ! You must have some serious self control! Hopefully she learned her lesson. Hey your the GOOD Samaritan!:)

Jenni Jiggety said...

Clearly, she has no idea how in interact with people...

Have a great weekend!

Me said...

I knew there was a reason I liked you! A girl after my own heart! Hilarious!!

The Boob Nazi said...

You yelled that after her???? You're my HEEROOOOO hahaha

Natalie said...

Oh wow. Oh wow. That's awesome. I won't be messing with you. I will be waiting until I'm an old mom to have kids. I don't see anything wrong with having a first aid kit and juice box handy.

Oh wait, the juice is for the kid?

Jenners said...

My name is Jenners, and I am an old mom. I am 41 and I have a 4-year-old.

I loved this! On behalf of old moms everywhere, thank you for setting the little whippersnapper straight. What an idiot to spout that kind of nonesense! What an ageist freakazoid! I'm glad she fell down. I'm glad you ripped her a new one. Awesome post!

Nightowl Mama said...

New here! Love your story. Closing in on 40 this year in July...Ooops I mean the 11th anniversary of my 29th Birthday I can so posts.
Stopping by love the clicking to save your bloggy. Here to help and give a click I"ll be back. So Adding my self to your followers. HOpe to see you around my parts as well.

Midwest Mommy said...

Good for you. I guess I would be considered a "young mom" but I am not the norm around here. I feel like the black sheep at the park district amongst the "old" moms (as you called them). I swear I am a fun girl is all I want to tell them sometimes.

Michelle-y said...

You are HILARIOUS!!! I was laughing out loud the whole time :)
As a young-ish mom (I'm 28), I think it's awful that people would judge anyone as a mom based on age. I was raised by my grandparents and they did a fabulous job (if I do say so myself!)...boo on judgemental people.
I love that you stuck it to her in the end, she 100% deserved that!
P.S. I think it was rather kind of you to mend her and her fork tongue!

Ann On and On... said...

I L-o-v-e it! Oops, I mean R'i ruve it..... Mean people stink...

Great Post!

jill said...

ah, karma.....gotta love it. =D

doesn't feel great when justice is served and you don't have to dirty your hands in the process? great story!

LORI said...

OH. NO. SHE. DIDN'T.!!! THIS OLD MAMMA JUST GOT HER BLACK BELT AT AGE 38, AND WOULD LOVE TO GO ALL NINJA ON HER AT THE PARK...SHHHH, I'LL BE THE ONE HIDING IN THE BUSHES TO TOSS OUT THE BANANA PEEL FOR HER TO SLIP ON.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Hi super cute blog! I see your comments on some of the same friends as mine so I had to come over and say hi :). Hope your having a wonderful day.

And it's so funny you wrote a post about a park, I have one scheduled for this next week. Crazy moms and really don't want this crazy mom coming after them ... LOL

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, you GO! I love it!

(Who needs those young moms with their lack of sidewalk balance skills? Bam.)

Hilarious.

:^) Anna

Stephenie said...

Okay, so here I am again laughing like crazy. I was just thinking, who says those things to perfect strangers?
STephenie

Debbie said...

You have made me so happy with this! You go get them!

Chaka said...

You had me at "The juice boxes on my hips are beginning to vibrate". That's a great story. I recently did a post about putting your foot in your mouth and saying dumb things but she takes the cake.

Kelly said...

Love that story. I just found your blog through Chaka. Thanks for the post! I have 5 kids and I am 40!!! Love to the old moms out there.

Gossamer Creations said...

Love your post. I had my son when I was 38. Old moms ROCK!!!!
~Sue~

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Hi Darlin I'm no longer a stalker, well at least a invisible one ... ha-ha! :)

Dapoppins said...

I am feeling so bashed. Oh wait. I am an old mom! Sorry I wasn't around to give you bloggy tips...I have been blogging two years but I still know nuttin bout' nuttin.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

So, not only did she eat asphalt,but she was karmically (sp) served a dose of humble pie to boot!HAHAHA!

Nerdy Jess said...

omg.Holy.crap.

Talk about the awesomesauce yo! Karma is a bitch!

I love you so, I wish you were closer, you'd totally be a part of my mommy circle. Only, well, I'd have to reproduce first lol

xooxox

MindyLew said...

How funny that she ended up needing the "First Aid Baggy". Karma never ceases to amaze me. I especially like it when I get to witness it up close and personal.

BoufMom9 said...

OH.MY.GOSH! Too funny! And wow, talk about karma! haha
Not sure, but I think I'm an old mom, or at least all inot that category now but I too fool the carnies all the time. LOL (my poor husband gets mistaken for MY FATHER! and he's younger than me. LOL)

scrappysue said...

that is such a GREAt post! i was going to say 'story' = but it's true! i had my first child at 26 - does that make me an young mum!?! i'm an old one now tho hehe

i hope that made your day - patching up fat lip floozy...

Marie Reed said...

What a goober that girl was! She didn't just put her foot in her mouth ..... a foot, two legs, and a torso!

Kirsty said...

OMG!!! That??? Was an AWESOME story!!!

I think it was handled with grace and maturity!!!(and thank God for the sidewalk...the fat lip was sweeeet justice)

Yvonne said...

Just came over from Aurora's blog.

What a great story--I had my first child at 19 (inherited three when I married my husband when I was 32 and had 3 more--my last at 40).

She definitely got what she deserved.

Nancy Face said...

"My foof is foose!" she cries. "Oh frap! My foof is fawing out!"

This Old Mom was laughing her old guts out at that! :D

Magirk said...

I hopped over here from Aurora's blog (Sunny Side Up). I loved this post! So freakin' funny! :-D

Okay, I'm a few years shy of being an 'official old mom.' But as a 36-year-old mom, I feel soooooo far removed from those 'young mom's' sometimes.

I am definitely 'over prepared,' as she said. But I'm one heck of a good mom! Regardless of my age!

Thanks for writing this. ;-)

SuzQuez said...

SOO good! I got my last cutie at age 42, and hoped for more. I may not have as much energy as 25 years ago, but this 10-year-old now sure has a smarter mom!

SuzQuez said...

SOO good! I got my last cutie at age 42, and hoped for more. I may not have as much energy as 25 years ago, but this 10-year-old now sure has a smarter mom!

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