I explained how Chilly and Christine first met..."A few years back, my husband called me from work, giggling like a school girl who just discovered her latest crush. "Hey Minnie! You're not going to believe what I just found!" (Yes, my nickname is Minnie...)
I shared that this didn't sit well with me..."When I didn't respond with the same enthusiasm he was sharing with me, he knew he was in trouble...BIG trouble. "That sounds lovely, dear," I said in my "why must you do this to me every two years" voice. Then the whining started and went on and on for what seemed like years (it was probably really only a few minutes, but the way he whines makes it feel like years...)"
I provided details about our first encounter with Christine...."One sunny afternoon, Christine arrived in all her splendor (oh, sorry if I spit coffee on your computer screen from my choking/laughing.) Chilly was like a proud papa bringing home his new baby girl from the hospital. "Isn't she beautiful?" he grinned. The kids and I just looked at each other trying to be supportive, but really trying to understand why Daddy was on the fast train to Looney Town. "Her name is Christine." Wow, I guess he skipped the train and caught a ride on a jet. "She's nice" I tried to smile. "Look at the bees on the back, kids! Aren't they cute?" We ooohed and aaahed our way around and checked her out completely. More ooohing and aaahing...."
I even talked about how I've tried to be supportive of Christine..."Over the years, Christine has had all sorts of accoutrement added here and there to increase her "lovliness". A while back, Chilly wanted to give her a "lift". He asked me what I thought and I replied, "It doesn't matter how fancy her high heels are, a hooker is still a hooker. The only difference is that she's wearing nicer shoes." He didn't find that amusing. (but I sure did...evil laugh...)"
Most importantly, I lovingly recounted the story of how Christine saved Chilly from death's door almost one year ago..."I would go to the hospital and try to nurse him back to health with stories of Christine. I told him that she was so excited about her upcoming makeover that he had planned so he needed to hurry and get better. I almost resorted to bringing in photos of her for his bedside table. He seemed to be improving until one evening when he actually "died". He coded and for a few moments left this world. The staff was able to bring him back. He survived, we are happy to report, and is coming along slowly but surely. Later, I asked him if he remembered anything about that experience...were there angels, aliens, anything? He shared his experience with me (for which I am truly grateful, Chilly). I will keep that private, but will tell you there was a gentle tugging to come back to us. My children and I are glad that he did. Were there angels? Hmmm...I think it was Christine..."
I guess you have figured out by now that Christine is not a person. Christine is my husband's truck. Yep, a Dodge Rumblebee. (Go ahead and make fun of him...I do all the time...snort giggle snort...)
Yep, my husband is 40 going on 16..."Are we embarrased by the fact that the head of our family (wait, that's me..) I mean, the 2nd in command of our family drives a truck meant for a teenage boy? Are you kidding?!"
Yep, Christine is treated like a human...."Do we find it bizarre that Daddy talks to her like she can actually understand the English language? Absolutely!"
He informed me last night that he is taking Christine to the spa this weekend. Uh-huh...the "spa." (It's a car wash, nerdanderthal!) He also informed me that Christine needed a colonic. (Are you joking? He is now referring to an oil change as a colonic!?) But the best part of the conversation was this....
Chilly: "Christine needs new headers."
Me: "What are headers?"
Chilly: "Truck Lungs...so she can breathe better..."
Me: "So, it's really a quality of life issue..." (idiot)
Chilly: "Yeah...Hey! At least she doesn't need a boob job!"
I am thinking about putting a sales ad on Craigslist...not for Christine...for the nerdanderthal...
Happy Saturday to you all! I'm off to Craigslist!
p.s. Apparently, "Christine will be hurt" if her photo isn't added...(I told you...my husband thinks she has feelings...he is such a goober...)
Christine in 2007 picking up my nephew for a ride...
(Are you happy now, Christine?)
Yes, the irony is not lost on me that 2 years have gone by
and the new truck rant will begin any day now.....Heavy, heavy sigh....